May 9th Too Fat

     Well today it begins. A new way of living, a better way of living? Whichever it is, it has to be better than this. I’m fat, way too fat (at least for my liking) I’ve been overweight my entire life. Never once have I had the pleasure of being thin. Oh I’m sure I had my chances to be thin, but I just don’t know what went wrong. Now’s not the time to dig deep in to a tubby troubled past, let’s look to the future if you please.

     I think I ate well today, possibly too much cheese (is there ever such a thing) I really need to hold myself accountable for all this – why is it so hard to eat healthy or at least proportionally? Stoopid brainwashed food lover. For example I always feel the need to have a dessert or something (anything) sweet after a meal. I’m not hungry for it (I’m full remember, I just ate) but my brain, oh my stooped brain says (Lithgow voice) “What’s next? Oh yeah, we need some of that sweet stuff” Is this what addiction is? Probably, I don't feel a high after eating, and I know over indulgence is unhealthy, but that doesn't stop me.

     I don’t need dessert, I’m content, my belly is FULL – but my brain whispers sweet nothings of cereal in the pantry “Hey, Chrissy, there’s some yummy cereal in there, make sure you get the big bowl too” And then in a zombie like fashion I head to the cupboard. I’m not hungry, but this peanut butter crunch cereal sure looks good.

“Don’t you wanna taste just a little bit?” 

Yeah but after the taste is the swallowing and then there’s calories involved

“No but’s! Check out your mouth, it’s salivating already” 

Yeah but….
“Hush now, you know you want this”
The sound of cereal hitting an empty bowl, sigh

     This is some weird, crazy brain malfunction that happens almost every meal. My will power is naught (mental note to work on that too).  Where did my will power go?  I have will power for other things, why not for this?  Why do I let myself eat whatever I want, whenever I want?  When did that start?  I don't remember losing my control over this.  Did I have any control over this? I’m aware this habbit/addiction thing is bad but how do I flip the switch? Is there a switch? Please let there be a switch. How does one eat or even think normally about food? I hope I can figure that out.

     Yah, yah big is beautiful…blah blah blah. But for real – it’s not, at least I don’t see myself like that. I don’t have the self-assurance for that. My self-confidence lies elsewhere – not in my body image. And yeah it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but you can’t be happy on the inside if you’re not happy with your outside. Good for the women who can think like that, however that’s just not me.

     Not only do I have a body image problem, but I’m not healthy. I don’t eat healthy, I don’t exercise, I’m a type 2 diabetes waiting to happen. Things need to change. I need to not buy cereal, that’s what needs to happen. Get all of the temptation out of the house. At least for now.