Failure, fraud, fiend, feeble, flawed, other bad words that start with F.........
Fuck
I tried. I failed. I didn't give it my all, hell I didn't even give it my best. The "diet" "lifestyle change" "new way of living" was not a success. Not even a little bit. I want to tell you "I don't know what happened?!" But that would be a lie. I am lazy, comfortabl-ish with how I look and I easily give up and quit things that are too hard or that I'm not good at. (which is why you won't see me playing disc golf at a park near you) So I decided to hide from this corner of the internet so that you wouldn't see me all covered in shame. (I assume that my absence has already demonstrated my waning enthusiasm) I've kept myself busy with trivial distractions that add little value to my life. (Although watching seasons 1 & 2 of Sherlock might have been worth it and don't forget my quest to read myself to death)
I had a bad couple of days, weak willed days and eventually just said "fuck it" and gave up. (what the hell? who does that? ----> ME ...well crap) Insert the picture a little Lithgow wringing his hands and sporting a sinister grin.
I don't think I went about this the right way. I lost 30 pounds last year. I gained it back during the school year, (I wasn't prepared for the stress of nursing school) but I lost it none the less. So I know I can do this. Where did I go wrong I wonder? Lets see, well to begin with I hid from my current weight. (Pussy!!) Ok then here is... (really? you sure you wanna do this? it's gonna be embarrassing! don't do it!)
245 (half of that's in my bra tho.... hey-oh!)
That did feel a bit better, but fuck that's to much for a 5'5" chick to weigh. That's obscenely obese!
The plan.
Exercise: Walk Q for at least an hour every day! Rain or shine (please pray for shine!)
Meals: I'm gonna have to OCD on this and write down everything. Maintain a strict regimen of 1600 calories a day. (That's how I did it last year) I won't have a "cheat day" because I will probably go ape shit, get discouraged and quit again. I will let myself have a "good job" treat that's within my daily limit and I WILL NOT, WILL NOT get discouraged if I go over my limit. I can always take longer walks that week. (It also helps that my driver side window seems to have quit working. No drive thrus for me! It's like my car is actually trying to help me! Way to go Red!)
Will Power: I'm going to have to look into how to develop and nurture my severe lack of will power (I don't want to resort to self help books, but if you can't help yourself, you need to find someone that can right?) Also you won't be hearing from my zombie brain anymore. I know it's a funny part of my posts, but as soon as I think that kind of negativity, I need to banish it from my thoughts. (set it and forget it) I need to focus on what I'm doing that's good an beneficial to my life style. (Nooooooooooooo!)
Determination: I tried to guilt myself into submission. However that ol' Catholic trick didn't seem to work (it's like my body knew how to defend against that. Hmmm...) So from now on I've got to "accentuate the postive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative" I don't think I will be needing Mr. In-Between (Thanks Mr. D for singing that during convo!) In other words I gotta stay up beat about this. There's no reason to get down on myself if I have a bad meal or day. Why even think of it as bad or negative? There's no need to punish myself emotionally for something that I'm still struggling to control. If I slip, I hope it doesn't happen, but hey this is me I'm talking about, so if I slip, well then ok. No need to wallow in self pity and despair. I will just do better tomorrow (What's next?)
Blogging: I was reluctant to write anything because I didn't want to deal with my failure. I also didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I fucked up, don't feel bad for me. Feel bad for my pants and the strain I put on them. Feel bad for my "thin clothes" that haven't been worn in ages. (I know I do) So let's get down to business. I can't promise to post every week about weight loss, but I do hope to at least post every week! Scratch that, I WILL post every week even if it's just to say hi! (That's better - Hope is a "mr. in-between" word!) Every Monday coming to you live from the Slanty Shanty! I will do a weight loss up date on the last Monday of the month so we all know where I'm at.
Goal: Well 245 huh - fuck me that's awful. I need a goal, something strive for. Not just the general "lose weight, get healthy" bull shit. A realistic and attainable number. I would be happy at 175. (I know that's still over weight for my height but 70 pounds seems doable (seems = hope = mr. in-between) 70 is TOTALLY doable! That's a long term goal though, I need a short term goal, a monthly goal. Seven pounds a month is reasonable and realistic. I will weigh myself on Mondays as well.
Now that is a plan with a purpose! I can do this! I don't want to be obese anymore!
You only get so many fuck ups in life, not that this is a huge one, but it's a disappointing one and it's one I don't hope to repeat!
The way in which I motivate myself is to think about my life in 20 years. If I don't make a change now, I just know I'll be sitting in a doctor's office learning that I'm a type 2 diabetic (if I didn't learn earlier) and that I'm a severe risk for a heart attack/stroke/loss of limb. Those types of thoughts haunt me every time I make a bad decision.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger and smoked (granted I've only been a non-smoker for a little over a year), I didn't care about dying a little younger than most people. Now, I'm nearing 30 and I would like to stick around as long as possible. To me, a long and healthy life, free of illness that can be avoided by my actions, is reward enough. While some things may taste great, is that short lived enjoyment really worth making the latter part of my life a living hell in which I'll be sick constantly and spending thousands upon thousands on medicine and surgeries? No, it isn't.