Your Earholes Will Thank Me

If you love cartoons and you love Star Wars and you have an hour and twenty minutes to kill, then you're gonna love this!!  Voice actor all-stars read from the script of Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope. Please, please take the time to watch this, it's so worth it, I PROMISE!!!  Billy West, Tara Strong, Maurice LaMarche, John DiMaggio, Kevin Conroy, Jess Harnell and Rob Paulsen using their own character voices!! I mean come on, Batman is narrating the damn thing! Your earholes and brain will thank you for it.
Thanks to Nerdist for posting this and sparking my interest!

Well Shit.....

I think the title says it all...........
Failure, fraud, fiend, feeble, flawed, other bad words that start with F.........
Fuck
     I tried.  I failed. I didn't give it my all, hell I didn't even give it my best.  The "diet" "lifestyle change" "new way of living" was not a success. Not even a little bit.  I want to tell you "I don't know what happened?!" But that would be a lie.  I am lazy, comfortabl-ish with how I look and I easily give up and quit things that are too hard or that I'm not good at. (which is why you won't see me playing disc golf at a park near you)   So I decided to hide from this corner of the internet so that you wouldn't see me all covered in shame. (I assume that my absence has already demonstrated my waning enthusiasm)  I've kept myself busy with trivial distractions that add little value to my life. (Although watching seasons 1 & 2 of Sherlock might have been worth it and don't forget my quest to read myself to death)
     I had a bad couple of days, weak willed days and eventually just said "fuck it" and gave up. (what the hell? who does that? ----> ME ...well crap) Insert the picture a little Lithgow wringing his hands and sporting a sinister grin.
     I don't think I went about this the right way.  I lost 30 pounds last year.  I gained it back during the school year, (I wasn't prepared for the stress of nursing school)  but I lost it none the less.  So I know I can do this.  Where did I go wrong I wonder?  Lets see, well to begin with I hid from my current weight.  (Pussy!!)  Ok then here is... (really? you sure you wanna do this? it's gonna be embarrassing! don't do it!) 
245 (half of that's in my bra tho.... hey-oh!)
That did feel a bit better, but fuck that's to much for a 5'5" chick to weigh. That's obscenely obese! 

The plan.
Exercise: Walk Q for at least an hour every day! Rain or shine (please pray for shine!)
Meals: I'm gonna have to OCD on this and write down everything.  Maintain a strict regimen of 1600 calories a day. (That's how I did it last year) I won't have a "cheat day" because I will probably go ape shit, get discouraged and quit again.  I will let myself have a "good job" treat that's within my daily limit and I WILL NOT, WILL NOT get discouraged if I go over my limit.  I can always take longer walks that week. (It also helps that my driver side window seems to have quit working.  No drive thrus for me! It's like my car is actually trying to help me! Way to go Red!)
Will Power:  I'm going to have to look into how to develop and nurture my severe lack of will power (I don't want to resort to self help books, but if you can't help yourself, you need to find someone that can right?)  Also you won't be hearing from my zombie brain anymore. I know it's a funny part of my posts, but as soon as I think that kind of negativity, I need to banish it from my thoughts. (set it and forget it)  I need to focus on what I'm doing that's good an beneficial to my life style. (Nooooooooooooo!)
Determination: I tried to guilt myself into submission.   However that ol' Catholic trick didn't seem to work (it's like my body knew how to defend against that. Hmmm...)  So from now on I've got to "accentuate the postive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative" I don't think I will be needing Mr. In-Between (Thanks Mr. D for singing that during convo!) In other words I gotta stay up beat about this.  There's no reason to get down on myself if I have a bad meal or day.  Why even think of it as bad or negative?  There's no need to punish myself emotionally for something that I'm still struggling to control.  If I slip, I hope it doesn't happen, but hey this is me I'm talking about, so if I slip, well then ok.  No need to wallow in self pity and despair.  I will just do better tomorrow  (What's next?)
Blogging:  I was reluctant to write anything because I didn't want to deal with my failure.  I also didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I fucked up, don't feel bad for me.  Feel bad for my pants and the strain I put on them.  Feel bad for my "thin clothes" that haven't been worn in ages. (I know I do)  So let's get down to business. I can't promise to post every week about weight loss, but I do hope to at least post every week!  Scratch that, I WILL post every week even if it's just to say hi! (That's better - Hope is a "mr. in-between" word!)  Every Monday coming to you live from the Slanty Shanty!  I will do a weight loss up date on the last Monday of the month so we all know where I'm at.
Goal: Well 245 huh - fuck me that's awful.  I need a goal, something strive for.  Not just the general "lose weight, get healthy" bull shit.  A realistic and attainable number.  I would be happy at 175.  (I know that's still over weight for my height but 70 pounds seems doable (seems = hope = mr. in-between) 70 is TOTALLY doable!  That's a long term goal though, I need a short term goal, a monthly goal.  Seven pounds a month is reasonable and realistic.  I will weigh myself on Mondays as well. 

Now that is a plan with a purpose!  I can do this! I don't want to be obese anymore!  

You only get so many fuck ups in life, not that this is a huge one, but it's a disappointing one and it's one I don't hope to repeat!

Eat less, Move more

Well I haven't weighed myself yet.  I'm ashamed, scared, anxious and embarrassed to step on my scale.

All of those?

Yes all of those and it's mostly your fault

Hey, well I am your brain so technically it's still all your fault.

Hmmmm.....

Lawyered

So I don't know what my starting weight is, nor right now do I care. (Ok well maybe I care but those previous adjectives prevent me from even looking at my scale) What I do know is that I'm at my biggest.  I've let myself go WAY to far. Hopefully I haven't gone too far round the bend and I can wrangle myself in, that's the plan at least.  I feel I need a plan, you gotta have a plan.  If you go into this without a plan and you're just 'trying' to lose weight, when it's not just weight loss I'm looking for, but a whole life style change. So the plan is to eat less and move more.  It's that simple.

Eat Less
Now I'm not starving myself and I'm not OCD about counting calories or exercising 3 times a day.  This is not Biggest Loser.  I don't have the time or money to join Weight Watchers, or Jenny Craig or that Nutrisystem.  I am however hyper-aware of what I'm eating and what I'm buying at the store.  Looking at the serving size, the calories, fat and the sodium.  I've been eating more salads, everything is a proper proportion, I bought vegetables (yuck) and I eat them (double yuck).
I am acquiring new tastes remember
Yeah but that doesn't mean I gotta like it.
I also buy Lean Cuisines for work.  My husband and I have conflicting schedules, so we don't eat together and I don't like to cook a meal for one, so Leans it is.  They aren't bad if you know which ones to avoid.  I also avoid the fast food strip in Findlay on Tiffin St.  (See no evil) I would stop at a fast food place before work and don't you know that I got the large size too.  (Avoiding temptation completely)

Sigh, I miss that

It's dangerous    

Hey, it's 8:30 in the morning, we could get some McDonald's breakfast!!

Didn't I just say that it's dangerous?!

McMuffin....

 Hush

I also keep a diary of what I eat and how I feel about the day.  Just another way of holding myself accountable for my actions.  I quit soda (again).  My attachment to soda (mainly the caffeine and sugar) got worse over the school year.  But I'm drinking water, well Crystal Lite, again.  I know that my brain has mixed up the "I'm thirsty" signal with the "I'm hungry" signal (my bad). Gotta get that straightened out, but until that happens I have a sign on my fridge that asks me if I'm hungry or thirsty.  It's silly to have that on my fridge I know, but it's that mental pinch I need.  So I've been drinking a lot more fluids and that helps me stay full and hydrated.  Level up!

Move More
Then there's the exercise.  Blah.  I need to be doing some cardio, yoga, weight lifting, exercise tapes (tapes, I mean DVD's), anything right?  Well it's complicated. 1. I don't want to spend the money, nor do I have the money to join a gym or fitness class.  2. I have really shitty knees (yeah you do) and I feel that I need to lose some poundage before I start exercising more vigorously.  I don't want to ruin them more than necessary.  3. I can't do workout videos (cardio ones) in the slanty shanty (the house) it's too small and old ( If you've been in my house you know what I'm talking about....ugh a shanty!)  I might break it! I'm too scared.

As you should be, go the McD's and comfort yourself...

Damnit NO!!

4. I have a very energetic dog who needs exercised as well.

So I walk.  It's free, it's easy-ish on my knees, I'm not hulk smashing the shanty and I can wear out Q.  I usually walk for an hour to an hour and a half.  It feels good to get out of the house and see the sunshine after working all night in the dark like a vampire. (Ugh that's too trendy a reference)  My reasons may sound like excuses, but they're valid.  I would like to try some yoga exercise videos, I think the house will survive that.  But for now walking is good enough for me.  I'm moving more than I used to and that's all I can ask for right now.

In due time I will step on my scary scale, but for now I will measure my weight loss by how much better I'm feeling and by the loosening of my pants.

Temptation

     I'm sure in due time this experiment will flesh itself out and I will have form, rhythm and reasoning behind each post, but for now I feel it best to ride the wave of my thoughts and just relish in what I'm thinking. (Did that make sense? I think it did.  Wasn't it a bit pretentious? Possibly, but you can be kinda snobby. Hey!)  Is it weird that I am enjoying the dialog that I'm having with my hunger brains (may the odds be ever in your flavor) I dunno. It's just these little conversations I have to have with myself seem a little crazy, however if I don't mentally pinch myself I turn into this hungry, hungry hippo that's not actually hungry.  I just have to eat cause those white balls aren't gonna eat themselves.  (Wait there's gotta be a better metaphor than that....nothing comes to mind...well damn)

     Today I was pondering on temptation.  Now from my last post you know that I have no will power when food is concerned. NONE!!!  So I fall easily into temptation's trap of instant gratification. Last night at work there was a pack of Double Stuff Oreos in the break room.  I walked past them and my zombie brain clicked itself on at the sight of them. 
Yummo. Hey good lookin!
 Yeah but my diet.....
Remember how delicious they are?
They are delicious and doubly stuffed
Lonely Oreo crummies fall to the floor....Yeah, I shoved that tasty treat right into my pie hole
Good for you!!
However one bite in i realize...
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??  Chocolate and sweets are my drug.... my drug right there in front of me and I'm trying quit

But you've earned it.

The harm in just one, JUST ONE, is that I will want more than one, jeeze oh petes!!!

So of course I spit it out - HUZZAH!  Is that really worth of a cheer? Maybe, I think so.  Temptation conquered (for now) Level up!
But then my next thought was

You only like the taste, you could just chew your food then spit it out.

-Don't judge it's only a thought-
Yeah but that's just a swallow and some vomit away from being bulimic. It's bulimia lite.

But the TASTES

Yeah well we will just have to acquire new tastes
Grumble

May 9th Too Fat

     Well today it begins. A new way of living, a better way of living? Whichever it is, it has to be better than this. I’m fat, way too fat (at least for my liking) I’ve been overweight my entire life. Never once have I had the pleasure of being thin. Oh I’m sure I had my chances to be thin, but I just don’t know what went wrong. Now’s not the time to dig deep in to a tubby troubled past, let’s look to the future if you please.

     I think I ate well today, possibly too much cheese (is there ever such a thing) I really need to hold myself accountable for all this – why is it so hard to eat healthy or at least proportionally? Stoopid brainwashed food lover. For example I always feel the need to have a dessert or something (anything) sweet after a meal. I’m not hungry for it (I’m full remember, I just ate) but my brain, oh my stooped brain says (Lithgow voice) “What’s next? Oh yeah, we need some of that sweet stuff” Is this what addiction is? Probably, I don't feel a high after eating, and I know over indulgence is unhealthy, but that doesn't stop me.

     I don’t need dessert, I’m content, my belly is FULL – but my brain whispers sweet nothings of cereal in the pantry “Hey, Chrissy, there’s some yummy cereal in there, make sure you get the big bowl too” And then in a zombie like fashion I head to the cupboard. I’m not hungry, but this peanut butter crunch cereal sure looks good.

“Don’t you wanna taste just a little bit?” 

Yeah but after the taste is the swallowing and then there’s calories involved

“No but’s! Check out your mouth, it’s salivating already” 

Yeah but….
“Hush now, you know you want this”
The sound of cereal hitting an empty bowl, sigh

     This is some weird, crazy brain malfunction that happens almost every meal. My will power is naught (mental note to work on that too).  Where did my will power go?  I have will power for other things, why not for this?  Why do I let myself eat whatever I want, whenever I want?  When did that start?  I don't remember losing my control over this.  Did I have any control over this? I’m aware this habbit/addiction thing is bad but how do I flip the switch? Is there a switch? Please let there be a switch. How does one eat or even think normally about food? I hope I can figure that out.

     Yah, yah big is beautiful…blah blah blah. But for real – it’s not, at least I don’t see myself like that. I don’t have the self-assurance for that. My self-confidence lies elsewhere – not in my body image. And yeah it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but you can’t be happy on the inside if you’re not happy with your outside. Good for the women who can think like that, however that’s just not me.

     Not only do I have a body image problem, but I’m not healthy. I don’t eat healthy, I don’t exercise, I’m a type 2 diabetes waiting to happen. Things need to change. I need to not buy cereal, that’s what needs to happen. Get all of the temptation out of the house. At least for now.

Inspired

     Thanks to my increasing school load, I haven't been able to find the time to write, and I miss that.  Hooray for summer vacation.  I've decided to take a few chances with this blog and make it more than just my musings on things I enjoy.  I will still write about those things in due time, but for right now I'd like to take a more personal turn and welcome you into my weight loss process.  My school load wasn't the only thing that increased this semester.
     Wait just a minute, don't leave me yet. I'm mostly doing this so I can hold myself accountable for what I eat, how I eat, when I eat.  I guess my hope is that if I have an audience that's willing to read what I'm typing then I better not disappoint.  Lately I've been inspired to write again and this is where my inspiration has lead me. I'm not going to blog about what I ate for the day (cause that's dreadfully boring), but rather my thought process, my struggles, how I handle those struggles and if all goes to plan I'll be losing weight and you'll hear about that too. 
     Just a side note that I will tend to have conversations with myself.  Think of it as a devil and angel on your shoulder kind of thing. I've been writing in my journal for the last few days and every time I re-read the "devil" parts, for some strange yet awesome reason I wind up using John Lithgow's voice.  I encourage you to do the same!
     Thanks for taking the time to read my journey to a healthy and better me!